Jesus paid it ALL, ALL to Him I owe

Well, we leave for Israel a month from today. Unreal. I can't believe 2 months have already gone by. I want to soak in every minute! So I'm sitting here on the barn porch on this gorgeous afternoon listening to Francois and Jonathan play the guitar. Tonight we are having family night dinner and then having swing dancing lessons. I love family night! We have a very intense weekend ahead of us. Starting at 8 AM tomorrow we have class almost all day, with a break for lunch. Some parents are coming to grill out for us. By the way, the Lord has blessed us so greatly with parents and relatives that stock our pantry and refrigerators and bring us delicious homemade meals. But anyway, they say that this will be one of the best and the worst weekends. We will be learning about suffering- not suffering because of sin, but because of refinement. They say we will probably start to shut down sometime tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow night we are going to watch the movie The Passion of the Christ, which was intense years ago when it came out, but I know it will touch me more now that Christ's death and resurrection is becoming personal to me. The past couple of days we have been learning about what Jesus accomplished in the grave. I have always just said, "Yeah, Jesus died on the cross for my sins, and now I am forgiven." It has been SO sweet to learn about what actually happened on the cross and also in the grave. It is becoming so real. How could I not live for the Lord after what He went through for me?! This is all stuff I have really never heard before. Something that has really touched me this week is that Jesus went through COMPLETE separation from the Father so that you and I would never have to. I would rather go through any trial or struggle than be separated from my Father. That is the worst thing I could ever think of. And Christ did that for me! Oh thank You, Lord! I can live in peace and enjoy God because of what Christ accomplished. There is not one reason why I should ever worry again. The work is done and I am living forever with God. I won't ever experience true death, Hallelujah!

We worked a little in another vineyard this week. It's about time for them to start budding! I also got to help my brother Jake with a welding project, and another day I worked in the garden pulling weeds. There are so many awesome projects going on here. We had a little surprise one day, and they took us all on a trailer behind a four wheeler to go mud riding. I will just say that we were all brown when we got back. We have tons of fun here on the farm! 

I might be able to write a little more at the end of this weekend, but I am not certain. I would love to talk more about some spiritual things, but honestly there is just so much and I find it difficult sometimes to explain. But it will come. Just know that the Lord is doing a mighty work inside of me. I can't fully convey it now in this short time, but just know that He is long-suffering and wants to reveal Himself. And He is. 

Time to get ready for dinner. Jesus loves you. His love is constraining. Let Him be your everything.

Much love and peace. 

Just a quick word

Hey everyone!
I don't have time to write much on this post, but I just wanted to write a little something so update y'all! Well, Jesus is still on the throne, and He is doing awesome works in all of our lives here in this barn! The teachings are still incredible. We pretty much finished pruning the vineyard last week, which needed to happen because the vine knows it's almost time to bud. Last weekend was our second off weekend, and a few of us drove to Sevierville/Gatlinburg, TN for the weekend. We were planning to go on the most strenuous hike in Gatlinburg, to the very top of a mountain, at some point during the weekend, but the weather was questionable. We had planned to go on Sunday morning because it was supposed to be a little more clear. Sunday morning, I woke up and looked out the huge windows to see it snowing, and it wasn't just flurries. These snow flakes were massive. We were not expecting snow, and it was so beautiful, but I was kind of disappointed because we wouldn't be able to hike. We decided to give it a try and stop if it got too dangerous, but the road to the trail was closed. Instead, we found another place to hike, and it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen! The Lord wanted us to experience His beauty through the snow! I was actually glad that it snowed instead of being sunny because I was completely blown away.

As I said before, the Lord is moving. I praise Him that He is so relentless. My God is long-suffering. Day by day, He is removing my fear of man and freeing me of myself. I have had the opportunity to help lead worship by singing on celebration night, without practice and spontaneously. I have also had to get up in front of everyone and speak on a verse that was given to me on the spot. This is all outside of my natural disposition, but I am being pulled out of all of that. It's not about me. It's about Christ inside of me.

Yesterday we all went to Greensboro, AL to Pie Lab, which I loved. In the afternoon, we came back to the vineyard to shoot skeet, and last night we all did the odyssey (a huge ropes course) in the dark. It was a full and fun day!

Last week was a "silent week." Everyone was supposed to be quiet until dinner at 6. It was a really good week and a good time of focus. Today we were silent again to get some reading done and to be alone with the Lord. It is really blessing me to see Him working through my brothers and sisters. It was so sweet to hear a brother testify tonight about the Lord's stripping him of his pride. Doing the ropes course really revealed a lot in all of us. This one brother was so confident in himself in so many things, but the Lord was working on him the whole time. He was trusting in everything that he was capable of doing and everything that he knew. The Lord stopped him in his tracks and asked, "Are you doing all of this because you are confident in your own ability and control, or are you doing this because you trust Me?" I think the Lord is stripping us all of our confidence in ourselves and teaching us about trust. He is calling us to that place of complete abandonment to Himself.

Anyway, I am being kicked out of the barn because it's bedtime, but I will hopefully write again next weekend. Once again, thanks for praying! May you experience the Lord's great love for you this week!

Back on the farm

Well, today we have the day off to rest. We got back last night from an awesome weekend serving with Outback America. It was held at Grands Plantation and about 250 college students attended. We arrived Thursday afternoon to help set up, and we had a really sweet evening in the chapel sharing about Jesus and singing songs to Him. The weather was really bad that night, so instead of sleeping in tents, we all slept in the big barn-like thing. I think I got maybe a few hours of sleep. The wind was intense and the obnoxious noise it made while hitting the barn door kept us awake. The lights were turned off around 10:15, and around 1 am, the weather was getting extremely bad. There were all kinds of crazy noises and I looked out the big barn door that was open and I saw a big white thing fly across the sky. Then the other huge, wooden door on the other side of the barn flew open and slammed shut again. Someone ran in, flipped on the lights and told us that the prayer tent flew away and that we needed to start praying. So we all got in the middle of the room and started praying.
The next morning we got straight to work. The place was flooded. It looked rather silly seeing vacuums in a big, grassy field, but we had to do our best to suck up all of the water. We used dirt and hay to try to fill in the wet areas so that we could set up over 100 tents. I don't think I sat down all day. On Saturday I led a low ropes course with one of my friends, and it was such a privilege to be a part of what the Lord is doing in the lives of those college girls. I felt so unqualified to do what I did. We had a quick run down of everything, but that was about it. I really began to experience the reality of the Holy Spirit living in me. The old me would be so incredibly nervous and anxious about leading something that I had no experience doing. And I would usually want to rehearse everything I had heard and remember everything single detail. But the "new" me was not nervous at all and was at complete peace. Both Prissy and I both forgot everything Maury had said, which means the Spirit would have to speak through us! Every time we tried to remember things and speak from our flesh, we weren't able to. I experienced freedom from the fear of man and freedom from myself. It was not me, but Christ inside of me!
The whole weekend was amazing. The Lord showed up and so many students experienced Christ and freedom. God is so good. I feel so humbled and blessed to be able to serve the Lord and to see the work He is doing and the lives He is saving. I am glad to be home though!

Jesus is blowing me away with His love for me. I AM HIS GIRL! I belong to Him!! He is the best Lover any girl could ever ask for. He is the perfect Husband. He is the best Romancer. He is enthralled with my beauty. His love is becoming so real. He is the best Pursuer. He is captivating my heart. I have had some wonderful days in the vineyard just basking in His love. It makes me so giddy! I find myself getting very passionate when I talk about the Lord's love and what He has done for me, and the way He has redeemed me. So many things are coming alive. I have read Song of Solomon several times, but it blows me away reading it now. The Lord is the most perfect designer and creator! Lately, I have been so amazed at the symbolism of marriage. EVERYTHING is about Jesus! Every single thing. I have heard so much about marriage and the "two becoming one" and how it is all spiritual, but I am actually getting it! Oh, the Lord is so beautiful. Marriage is such a cool picture of Christ and the Church. Goodness, He is really ministering to me in some deep places, healing and restoring. There are some things I feel like He has placed on my heart, and I am just praying to see what comes from all of it.

God is resurrection and life. He is love. He is grace. He is so many things. It hit me the other morning as I was reading in one of our books, even though I have heard it countless times. Jesus didn't say He was coming to resurrect lives, He said He IS resurrection. It is not that He is a good example or even the best example of love, grace, forgiveness, etc. He IS all of those things!! I am a fool to think that I can love or forgive or do anything without Him. Y'all, without Him I have not love. There is no way that I can love my family, my friends, or my future husband without Christ. Absolutely NO way. I can strive to do all things good, but without Christ, I have nothing. Oh I praise Him for that revelation. I need Him every second. I have to call on Him constantly.

One thing that is kind of crazy to me is that I have really not thought about what I will be doing after LEGACY. Well, I guess I have thought about it, but not often at all. It has not been consuming my thoughts one bit. The other day in the vineyard I did start thinking about it a little more than I have been. I found myself getting a little worried at one point. After talking with a brother about how the Lord has been so faithful, I was quickly reminded that it is ridiculous for me to worry. There is no point. He has been so good and faithful in the past, so why wouldn't He continue to be?! The God of the universe that has had a perfectly put-together plan from the very beginning of time has my life in His hands. I am crazy for worrying about my future. He is already leading and guiding me, so all I have to do is continue to obey.

Wow, I know I could keep going, but I need to go do some other things. I just wanted to share a few things that the Lord is doing in me. I know there is so much more, though. In closing, I just feel so blessed. So incredibly blessed.

My Jesus is Simple

Just Jesus. That is it. Why do we have to make it so complicated and confusing? Because we are human. Our flesh gets in the way. It's such a struggle. I thank the Lord that He knows that, though. He knows we are weak. It amazes me how simple He is. He doesn't need anything added to Him. He doesn't need our help.

The Lord has convicted me of quite a few things (that's an understatement). I have been so quick to turn to the latest "self help" book, a Christian speaker, a sermon, and song, etc. Not only do I turn to those things for myself, but I often recommend them to others, thinking that it can help "fix" them or their problem. Don't get me wrong, these aren't necessarily bad things at all, but they will never be the solution to our deepest need. We are in need of Jesus. It's not that I forgot about the Lord during all of my attempts to solve a problem, but He wasn't who I sought first. I never knew that my mind got in the way as much as it does. It has been so frustrating because I don't have the ability or power to fix it. That's just the point. There is nothing that we can do. And this is just an example of any type of bondage we are trying to get free from. We can try every physical thing possible to attempt to conquer the issue, but until we realize that it's an issue with our inner man and our sinful nature, we will never truly be set free. It's like we are pulling the leaves off of the tree but never digging out the roots. We get so discouraged and disheartened because we fall right back into our situation that we are trying so desperately to sever. But then, when we actually realize that we are powerless to fix ourselves, there is freedom and a sense of relief. It's the Lord's job to renew our minds. He just wants us to abide. That's all we have to do! As long as we are submitting to Him and offering our being to Him, He will do the transforming work! If you ask me, that is some gooooood news. 

Hmmmmm....I'm struggling with my words right now....what to say, how to say....the Lord revealed some stuff in me a week or two ago that was super hard and painful. I didn't really want to face it, but I was forced to. As much as I didn't want to think about it, I am so incredibly thankful that He revealed it. After all, that's what I keep praying for; that He would reveal things in me, even though they aren't always candy and roses. It makes sense. Christ is light. The more we fellowship with Christ, the more light is going to shine on the dark parts in us.

I have been learning so much about the Lord's discipline and His cutting. He disciplines those He loves! I welcome His discipline and cutting, even though it is painful. He loves us, so He refines us. Lord, I praise you for your discipline! I am more able to recognize this discipline and cutting in my life. I look back on a lot of things, and now I can see that it was the Lord's hand. That's such a beautiful thing.

Christ is becoming my reality. I'm realizing more and more that this life is not about me. It really doesn't matter in the scheme of things where I live, where I work, if I get married, how much money I have, etc. If I allow any of that, along with many other things, to consume me more than Christ does, I have it all wrong. Yes, I do believe that the Lord wants to bless us and give us good gifts, but these things shouldn't be why I live. They shouldn't be my drive. All of these things fail in comparison to knowing Christ. How sweet is it to know that because I am one with the Lord, His desires become my desires and vice versa. For so long, I never grasped Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." I only thought that I understood. The key is that we must commit to Him first and foremost. It is then that our desires our fulfilled because our desires ARE His desires!

On a different note, I almost forgot to share my excitement about getting to play in the snow! About a week and a half ago, after we finished up one night, we all went outside to find it snowing! We went crazy with snow balls, and we even tried to slide down the hill on cookie sheets. I wish all of you could have seen the barn covered in snow. I was so glad that the Lord gave us that gift, especially since I never get to experience it.

Also, I would greatly appreciate it if y'all could pray for me, specifically for my sleep. I haven't had good sleep in months, and it started before I got to LEGACY. Some nights aren't as bad as others, but I don't think I have gone a night without dreaming. They usually aren't nightmares, but some just make me very upset. I wake up feeling restless, like my mind has been running all night. They are distracting and disturbing. My sweet brothers and sisters have been praying for me, and there are several who ask me almost every morning how I slept. There have been several nights that I have woken up in the night, and I just call out to God. Some nights I have fallen asleep just saying His name, because that is all I know to do. Last night, all I remember is waking up from a dream, still halfway asleep, and saying out loud, "JESUS" and then falling back to sleep. I am just praying for peace when I sleep. I know a lot of times the Lord is just trying to tell us things or reveal things to us in our dreams, but I don't see that in the dreams that I am having. I'm still trusting and praying!

Jesus is peace. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I praise Him that when my emotions and thoughts are going everywhere, He is steady and constant. He is not a God of confusion. Praise You, Jesus.

The weather is beautiful. I think it is confused, though. I spent yesterday afternoon in shorts, a t-shirt, and bare foot while lying in a hammock on the barn porch. Yesterday morning we did "The Amazing Race" with five different teams. I haven't run that much in one day in a very long time. It has been almost a year since I played my last legit Ultimate game. Haha. It was a very fun day. Now I am sitting in the top of the barn next to an open window while the breeze blows through the room. I think I'm going to go spend some time with Dad now before dinner. I can't give enough thanks for all of your prayers. I can't imagine being anywhere else right now, because I am so confident that I am in the Lord's will. And His will is the greatest place I could ever be.

Jesus is Lord!

I can't believe I have been here for 3 weeks. These last two weeks have actually gone by really quickly. I can't even count the number of hours of teachings we have sat through. We have gone through about 20+ lessons already. A lot of the teachings are messages that we will never hear as sermons. They aren't made to give "goose pimples," as Francois says. They aren't always "feel good" messages. But it is truth, and it's what we need to hear. I encourage you all, if you haven't already, to sit through some of the teachings with us online in the mornings! You will be blessed.

I am being ruined. I am losing myself. I am slipping through my own fingers. PRAISE THE LORD! There is NOTHING good inside of me apart from Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ in me! I have absolutely nothing to boast in except Christ. I am going to be honest and say that it has been frustrating at times, because I want to understand it with my human mind and I have a natural tendency to want to "do something" to "get it" or fix a part of me. But I am learning that I can't understand any of this on my own. It is Holy Spirit in me that does the work of transformation. It is only by His grace that I see what a wretch I am! It is by His grace that He gives us revelation. I am discovering that I cannot compare my experience with the Lord to others'. The Lord gives different people different revelations at different times. He knows how each person is wired and what they need at the time. That is so comforting because I tend to want to compare and get frustrated and down on myself for not "getting it." The Lord is slowly tearing me up. The good work that He has started will be completed by Him.

His Word is coming to life. It's no longer a confusing book that I have to make myself read. It is not something I pick up just to read a few verses to lift my spirits or when I am having a bad day. It's BREATH and LIFE. So many things are starting to connect and make sense for me. The grid is starting to form.

I so wish I could go into everything I have been learning, but that would take entirely too long, and it would be too hard to convey all of it. Y'all, Jesus is organic! He is simple. He is so easy to love. The same power that raised Christ from the dead is LIVING IN ME! I am learning so much about being in spirit. This stuff really is new to me. I just need to press in and exercise my spirit. I say "yes" to the Lord.   It is so freeing to know that I cannot live this Christian life! The Spirit lives it for me, through me. The Spirit prays through me. The Spirit worships through me. My body and soul do not know how to pray. I don't know how to surrender. The Lord gives me grace to recognize those things, and then the Spirit does it for me. This is something that my mind can't comprehend. I am wrestling with this. Honestly it's hard learning how to just "be." But it is freeing at the same time. Sometimes a don't feel like praying. I don't feel like worshipping. I don't feel like sitting through teachings, working in the freezing cold, or praising Him. But that is when I must deny my flesh. Deny myself and my will and emotions and press into Jesus.

We are reading a lot, and will probably get more books soon. There are times when I am reading and I get caught up on the wording or I question things that really don't even matter that much. But instead of focusing on the details so much, I am trying to just grasp and hear the spirit of what is being said. Most of these books are not found in Christian bookstores. They are not best sellers. But they feed our spirit instead of our flesh and soul, because they don't have all of the "fluff" and sugar-coated things we like to hear.

Last night we had dinner and then some teaching until about 9:30. We all got into comfortable clothes and brought our blankets and pillows to the barn. We moved couches and furniture around to have a big open room in the loft of the barn. We stayed up all night praising Jesus! For 8 hours (10 pm to 6 am) we sang, prayed, and called on the Lord. Y'all, time flies when you are having fun and enjoying God. We took several breaks, but the hours flew by. At one point, we prayed for 2 hours straight in groups of 4. We danced, jumped, kneeled, cried. Our flesh might have been weak at times, but the Spirit was able. Around 6 am, we all bundled up and walked to the landing strip. We watched the sun start to peep over the horizon. It appeared that a new day was here. The Lord did not return last night. Francois reminded us that that must mean there is more work to be done. More healing and restoration. It was such a beautiful night. We finished up by eating breakfast together in the barn. Then came nap time. I woke up about 3 hours ago.

As I am typing this, I am realizing that there is actually a lot on my heart. Some of those things the Lord wants me to keep silent for now, some are between me and Him, some I am still wrestling with, some are  just to difficult to go into now, and some are for future posts. I can't say enough how blessed I am to be here. Sometimes it feels surreal. We have our first off-weekend in a week. We will be stepping back into the "outside world." But that doesn't change anything about the Lord. Hallelujah! The Spirt lives in me, no matter where I am! I cannot thank y'all enough for your prayers, and I encourage all of you (whoever is reading this) to just lean into Jesus. Even when you don't understand it. Even when you are confused. Just praise Him. He is so worthy. He is the answer. The solution is Christ. Forever and ever AMEN! 

Where I Belong - Cory Asbury

Just wanted to share this with y'all. I really enjoyed singing this to the Lord this morning.

Your presence is all I am longing for, here in the secret place

Your nearness is all I am waiting for, here in the quiet place
Here in the secret place

My soul waits for You alone
Like the watchmen wait for dawn
Here I’ve finally found the place
Where we’ll meet, Lord, face to face

I’ve finally found where I belong
I’ve finally found where I belong, in Your presence
I’ve finally found where I belong, it’s to be with You, to be with You

I am my Beloved’s and He is mine. 

So come into Your garden and take delight in me, take delight in me

Delight in me, delight in me
Delight in me, delight in me

Here in Your presence, God, I find my rest
Here in Your presence, God

    

Oh boy....

Hello again from Eutaw.
I feel like I have been here for weeks, and it's only been 6 days. I don't mean that in a bad way. It's just that we have full days and I am taking in so much. So we have been given 6 books that we will be reading from, and there are more to come! We are reading The Divine Romance out loud together. We can never wait to start reading again. My goodness, please go buy that book. It's written by Gene Edwards. I will buy you a copy myself if you don't! :) It is the most beautiful book I have ever read. It brings tears. I was going to try to explain some of it, but I think you should check it out for yourself. Wednesday night was so great. We broke bread together on the huge wooden table in the barn. It was beautiful. All we had was bread and juice, but we were fed and full. Both with the actual food and with the Spirit. The thing that was so great was that when I listened to various conversations around the table, all I heard was talk of the Lord. Things centered around Christ. And at first you might think that it would be hard to not talk about our pasts, but it has actually been so refreshing. Because it's not about our success, our accomplishments, or even our failures or our weaknesses. Our identity based on our personalities and experiences is being thrown out the door. We are not football players, Ultimate players, musicians, singers, artists, etc. We aren't concerned right now about our past addictions or struggles. However, the thing that matters most is that we are new creations! We have NOTHING to boast in except the power of the Holy Spirit in us! We are learning to speak things that give LIFE! Wednesday night after communion we sang songs to the Lord. I have never felt like I have really actually sung in the Spirit until that night. We just sang as the Spirit led us. I sang my own song to the Lord. Words of love for my God just kept pouring out. I found myself singing over and over, "Your love is enough, Your love is enough." I felt like the Lord was telling me in those moments, "Let me be your husband. Let me love you. Let me be the lover of your soul." My God wants to romance me!! My heart was about to beat out of my chest, so I stood in front of the group and shared. Tonight we are dressing up a little more than usual and are going to feast together and just fellowship and bless each other. Goodness gracious, I wish I could explain more about what is going on with me, but it is so difficult right now. I don't think I should really try to explain it just yet. But I am just being broken. Stripped of everything I thought I knew. I thought I knew how to pray. I thought I knew about the Spirit. Oh the Lord is just breaking me and I don't even understand it myself. I am trying to just "be" without trying to understand or "do" anything. I am hoping I will be able to explain more soon. I am going to go get some photography lessons from a friend and get ready for dinner with my brothers and sisters, but thank you all so much for your prayers. May the Spirit overwhelm you with grace and love.