I am being ruined. I am losing myself. I am slipping through my own fingers. PRAISE THE LORD! There is NOTHING good inside of me apart from Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ in me! I have absolutely nothing to boast in except Christ. I am going to be honest and say that it has been frustrating at times, because I want to understand it with my human mind and I have a natural tendency to want to "do something" to "get it" or fix a part of me. But I am learning that I can't understand any of this on my own. It is Holy Spirit in me that does the work of transformation. It is only by His grace that I see what a wretch I am! It is by His grace that He gives us revelation. I am discovering that I cannot compare my experience with the Lord to others'. The Lord gives different people different revelations at different times. He knows how each person is wired and what they need at the time. That is so comforting because I tend to want to compare and get frustrated and down on myself for not "getting it." The Lord is slowly tearing me up. The good work that He has started will be completed by Him.
His Word is coming to life. It's no longer a confusing book that I have to make myself read. It is not something I pick up just to read a few verses to lift my spirits or when I am having a bad day. It's BREATH and LIFE. So many things are starting to connect and make sense for me. The grid is starting to form.
I so wish I could go into everything I have been learning, but that would take entirely too long, and it would be too hard to convey all of it. Y'all, Jesus is organic! He is simple. He is so easy to love. The same power that raised Christ from the dead is LIVING IN ME! I am learning so much about being in spirit. This stuff really is new to me. I just need to press in and exercise my spirit. I say "yes" to the Lord. It is so freeing to know that I cannot live this Christian life! The Spirit lives it for me, through me. The Spirit prays through me. The Spirit worships through me. My body and soul do not know how to pray. I don't know how to surrender. The Lord gives me grace to recognize those things, and then the Spirit does it for me. This is something that my mind can't comprehend. I am wrestling with this. Honestly it's hard learning how to just "be." But it is freeing at the same time. Sometimes a don't feel like praying. I don't feel like worshipping. I don't feel like sitting through teachings, working in the freezing cold, or praising Him. But that is when I must deny my flesh. Deny myself and my will and emotions and press into Jesus.
We are reading a lot, and will probably get more books soon. There are times when I am reading and I get caught up on the wording or I question things that really don't even matter that much. But instead of focusing on the details so much, I am trying to just grasp and hear the spirit of what is being said. Most of these books are not found in Christian bookstores. They are not best sellers. But they feed our spirit instead of our flesh and soul, because they don't have all of the "fluff" and sugar-coated things we like to hear.
Last night we had dinner and then some teaching until about 9:30. We all got into comfortable clothes and brought our blankets and pillows to the barn. We moved couches and furniture around to have a big open room in the loft of the barn. We stayed up all night praising Jesus! For 8 hours (10 pm to 6 am) we sang, prayed, and called on the Lord. Y'all, time flies when you are having fun and enjoying God. We took several breaks, but the hours flew by. At one point, we prayed for 2 hours straight in groups of 4. We danced, jumped, kneeled, cried. Our flesh might have been weak at times, but the Spirit was able. Around 6 am, we all bundled up and walked to the landing strip. We watched the sun start to peep over the horizon. It appeared that a new day was here. The Lord did not return last night. Francois reminded us that that must mean there is more work to be done. More healing and restoration. It was such a beautiful night. We finished up by eating breakfast together in the barn. Then came nap time. I woke up about 3 hours ago.
As I am typing this, I am realizing that there is actually a lot on my heart. Some of those things the Lord wants me to keep silent for now, some are between me and Him, some I am still wrestling with, some are just to difficult to go into now, and some are for future posts. I can't say enough how blessed I am to be here. Sometimes it feels surreal. We have our first off-weekend in a week. We will be stepping back into the "outside world." But that doesn't change anything about the Lord. Hallelujah! The Spirt lives in me, no matter where I am! I cannot thank y'all enough for your prayers, and I encourage all of you (whoever is reading this) to just lean into Jesus. Even when you don't understand it. Even when you are confused. Just praise Him. He is so worthy. He is the answer. The solution is Christ. Forever and ever AMEN!
His Word is coming to life. It's no longer a confusing book that I have to make myself read. It is not something I pick up just to read a few verses to lift my spirits or when I am having a bad day. It's BREATH and LIFE. So many things are starting to connect and make sense for me. The grid is starting to form.
I so wish I could go into everything I have been learning, but that would take entirely too long, and it would be too hard to convey all of it. Y'all, Jesus is organic! He is simple. He is so easy to love. The same power that raised Christ from the dead is LIVING IN ME! I am learning so much about being in spirit. This stuff really is new to me. I just need to press in and exercise my spirit. I say "yes" to the Lord. It is so freeing to know that I cannot live this Christian life! The Spirit lives it for me, through me. The Spirit prays through me. The Spirit worships through me. My body and soul do not know how to pray. I don't know how to surrender. The Lord gives me grace to recognize those things, and then the Spirit does it for me. This is something that my mind can't comprehend. I am wrestling with this. Honestly it's hard learning how to just "be." But it is freeing at the same time. Sometimes a don't feel like praying. I don't feel like worshipping. I don't feel like sitting through teachings, working in the freezing cold, or praising Him. But that is when I must deny my flesh. Deny myself and my will and emotions and press into Jesus.
We are reading a lot, and will probably get more books soon. There are times when I am reading and I get caught up on the wording or I question things that really don't even matter that much. But instead of focusing on the details so much, I am trying to just grasp and hear the spirit of what is being said. Most of these books are not found in Christian bookstores. They are not best sellers. But they feed our spirit instead of our flesh and soul, because they don't have all of the "fluff" and sugar-coated things we like to hear.
Last night we had dinner and then some teaching until about 9:30. We all got into comfortable clothes and brought our blankets and pillows to the barn. We moved couches and furniture around to have a big open room in the loft of the barn. We stayed up all night praising Jesus! For 8 hours (10 pm to 6 am) we sang, prayed, and called on the Lord. Y'all, time flies when you are having fun and enjoying God. We took several breaks, but the hours flew by. At one point, we prayed for 2 hours straight in groups of 4. We danced, jumped, kneeled, cried. Our flesh might have been weak at times, but the Spirit was able. Around 6 am, we all bundled up and walked to the landing strip. We watched the sun start to peep over the horizon. It appeared that a new day was here. The Lord did not return last night. Francois reminded us that that must mean there is more work to be done. More healing and restoration. It was such a beautiful night. We finished up by eating breakfast together in the barn. Then came nap time. I woke up about 3 hours ago.
As I am typing this, I am realizing that there is actually a lot on my heart. Some of those things the Lord wants me to keep silent for now, some are between me and Him, some I am still wrestling with, some are just to difficult to go into now, and some are for future posts. I can't say enough how blessed I am to be here. Sometimes it feels surreal. We have our first off-weekend in a week. We will be stepping back into the "outside world." But that doesn't change anything about the Lord. Hallelujah! The Spirt lives in me, no matter where I am! I cannot thank y'all enough for your prayers, and I encourage all of you (whoever is reading this) to just lean into Jesus. Even when you don't understand it. Even when you are confused. Just praise Him. He is so worthy. He is the answer. The solution is Christ. Forever and ever AMEN!
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